The White Hat Guide to Picnic and Barbecue Kits

We have four basic kits when we know we will be taking food to eat elsewhere. There is the:

• Going to the stadium kit
• Opera on the grass kit
• Going to the local park for a BBQ
• Day in the country kit

So let’s get started with the:

Going to the Stadium Kit

The stadium has already sold the catering rights at a great fee for the outlets to sell deep fried flavoured cardboard to the captive clientele at exorbitant prices. However they may reluctantly let you bring your own refreshments provided it contains no glassware, metal knives, alcohol or other incendiary devices.

I have a small battered picnic shoulder bag for such occasions. It contains a cheap thermos, some plastic cutlery, some paper napkins and basic condiments. You need to be aware that the whole thing could be confiscated at the gate or get trampled underfoot so you don’t want it to amount to any value/

As to the contents, it doesn’t take much – some of my favourites include a some homemade soup in a thermos, half a dozen oysters (usually $6 from the market) with a couple of lemon wedges, maybe some sliced ham and a salad or last night’s leftover roast vegetables. Throw in s few condiments and a plastic bottle of drink and that’s all you need.

Another thing to remember is that it’s not just what food you bring – it’s what you can trade it for. So the next decision is where you stand or sit. I find that the swarthier the complexion of those close by, the better tasting food they are likely to have. You will often find that you can swap part of your $2 soup for something that you happily pay a good price for in a respectable restaurant. And when your companions’ condiments to improve the soup come from a hip flask, who are you to refuse. I often find myself eating like a king for less than the price that others are paying for a lukewarm pie and chips. And that’s where the oysters come in. You can’t buy them anywhere in the stadium so you can trade them for goods worth much more than the price you paid for the oyster.

That’s arbitrage for you.

The Going to the Opera on the Grass Kit

For the sort of gated event that allows picnics but has restrictions on what can be brought in you are going to need a different kit. Obviously you try to check in advance on the terms and conditions but you always have to cater for the variability of staff at the gate. For instance there is the youngish woman at the gate with a stern demeanour who went to opera on the grass herself two years ago and remembers the young man taking her hand and pouring chartreuse into her glass as the tenor was singing “Your tiny hand is frozen” and then she never saw him again after that night and she has to get home to relieve her mother from the babysitting. Although it definitely says alcohol is permitted this young woman is confiscating any bottles of chartreuse that she finds and there is no recourse to a higher authority.

For such occasions we have a picnic container with wheels like a suitcase that can also be carried with a shoulder strap. It has zip off sections for things like cutlery which can be handy if no metal cutlery is allowed. It contains plastic champagne glasses, cheap salt and pepper grinders, Tabasco sauce and then whatever else we decide to take.

This might include Turkish bread (easy to tear), dips, cold meats (such as last night’s corned beef), hearty salads (such as a potato salad), cloth napkins, a bottle of bubbly which is cheap enough to relinquish without much regret at the gate if necessary and something exotic with a foreign name from the deli that you can talk about in a loud voice just to show that you belong at opera on the grass.

You can then settle back and listen to Lucrezia Borgia to gain some dinner party inspiration for the next time your partner’s objectionable relatives inflict themselves on you.