The White Hat Melbourne Newsletter

Archived Newsletter No.122 - 8 April 2005

Contents

School holidays
Comedy
Win a trip to Western Australia
Tonight
Stressful times
Reader feedback
Markets
Seniors
Country Victoria

School holidays

All the usual suspects are running school holiday programs – the museums, galleries, aquarium, Polly Woodside etc. In nearly all cases standard entry charges apply and additional charges apply to special programs. It is also worth checking out your local library and local council who usually have school holiday programs.

Fed Square has several free children’s’ programs next week. Tonight there is break dancing tonight in Footscray suited to teens. For this and other children’s activities see Children's activities in Melbourne.

Comedy

The comedy festival continues this week and dominates entertainment in Melbourne. For information on this and other comedy events see Comedy in Melbourne.

Win a trip to Western Australia

We have been approached by an organisation promoting tourism in WA and they said they were looking for mature responsible people with significant disposable income who could be relied on to behave in a civilised manner in polite society. I told them that all our subscribers were like that and I don’t think they noticed my crossed fingers. Anyway they have provided you with the chance to win a holiday in WA and here is what they say:

“Westernaustralia.com is giving your customers the chance to win a real Australian dream holiday. To win, they simply select two experiences from five West Australian dream holiday experiences that will show them the real Australia, and drop them into the suitcase. Choose from balloon rides, rugged outback expeditions, gorgeous forest backdrops, luxury accommodation, delicious food and wine, marine adventures, white sandy beaches and much more!”

Click here if you would like to win a holiday in Western Australia.

We are thinking of arranging something similar for New Zealand. We thought maybe the first prize could be one week in Wellington and the second prize could be two weeks in Wellington.

Tonight

Tonight there is contemporary classical music at La Boite Café in Fitzroy. See Classical Music in Melbourne. There is also an Atheists Society lecture at Trades Hall. Details at Forums in Melbourne. The confused people on the footpath outside are the agnostics worrying about whether to go to the lecture or go home and watch the Pope’s funeral.

Stressful times

The past weeks may have produced stressful times for those in mixed relationships – those where one works in a salaried job and the other works in their own business. We have had a period of short weeks with public holidays so one in refreshed while the other still has five days work to do with only four days to do it in. If that is the case you might be due for a romantic break. You will find some ideas at Romantic Melbourne.

Reader feedback

“Well done (although I didn't read it until April 2). I had to laugh when I read the link. I guess it shows you to question before believing anything you read. Thanks for your entertaining newsletter as usual.
Mandy.”

“A friend (who is normally reliable) shared the White Hat (newsletter) with me having seriously piqued my interest in your proposed Parliamentary Tour, leaving from the corner of Latrobe and Lonsdale Streets ....? In reading the print out, I had glossed over Tommy Bent's political elevation, I did wonder (and re-read it a couple of times) how you could get somewhere close to Spencer Street Station by walking 100 m in this direction, then another 100m in that direction ... And I completely missed the major streetscape clue about Latrobe and Lonsdale. In my own defence, I can only say: I'd had a busy week, it was fairly late on Friday evening by the time I read the piece and I'd had a couple of wines, so I my levels of perception were somewhat lowered ... I loved the joke ... Thanks very much! My only lingering doubt is: did my friend knowingly sucker me into it?!
Regards Bob”

Bob, it is because the likes of you enjoy a couple of wines on a Friday night that our country is in its current state. We notice that you have since subscribed, but are somewhat reticent to allow someone of your immoderate habits into the ranks of our mature responsible subscribers who only occasionally have a wine (for medicinal purposes). Now back in the 19th century Melbourne had a famous doctor called Champagne Jimmy whose medication was well known by the society ladies, but that is another story . . .

“Your April Fool's item about the tunnels under PH really had me going. I currently work in PH and have heard various rumours about the tunnels that supposedly once existed, including one to a local brothel. The only tunnel now known (at least the only one PH maintenance employees will tell me about) is actually an old air-conditioning duct, from when the air conditioning comprised cool air being drawn over a rivulet of water which was conducted through underground air passage to cool off the lower floors of PH. I would like to know if there ever have been other tunnels -- for real, not for April Fool's.”

Yes there was an assembly chamber and escape tunnels. The reason we know about them is that a parliamentary deputation arrived from Sydney to study, among other things, the security features of our Parliament House. Their report was eventually made public after the customary period and is thus viewable by those who know where to look.

White Hat knows where to look.

Markets

If you want to know what markets are on this weekend, just go to our homepage, choose the drop down menu on markets and choose “this weekend”. It’s much easier than checking which Saturday of which month a particular market is open.

Seniors

Welcome down this far. We always put your stuff down here because we know the others haven’t got the patience to read this far. Well I’ve got a message from a friend of mine. Well, he's not actually a friend; he just rings me when he needs some advice with his job.

“We’ve got to get the seniors out earning money” he said. “Well Peter” I said “why don’t you ask them to?” “I’ve tried doing that – it didn’t work.” “Well maybe Peter you could smile when you said it – no maybe that’s not a good idea” I said. “I’ve tried the Fairfax and the Murdoch media and that didn't work. It’s only the White Hat Newsletter that seems to have any effect. Remember that time last year when I rang you and said we needed Gen X to have babies. Well I don’t know what you put in the newsletter but that same week they away and started making babies.” “Yes Peter, we’re rather proud of that edition except that we now have to battle our way down the footpath through the designer 3WD pushers complete with bullbars. It was just a matter of convincing them to dispense with the natural impediments to sexual attraction such as little black rimmed glasses, Doc Martens and bobby pins and after that nature took its course.” “You did such a good job with that” said Peter “that I thought you could help with the seniors.” “Alright” I said “we’ll see what we can do.”

So in the interests of the country we have gone in search of work for seniors. We have come across a market research company which is holding focus groups for seniors. They pay between $50 and $150 per session for your opinions on certain matters (which is more than your kids think your opinion is worth). I told them that all our senior subscribers are mature responsible people with significant disposable income who could be relied on to behave in a civilised manner in polite society (I’m getting better at this). Groups vary and locations are usually in the inner suburbs and are open to people aged 45+. Payment is cash in hand but I don’t think I’ll mention that to Peter.

If you would like more details, send us an email to seniors@whitehat.com.au

“Hello – Peter – you’d like the seniors to work AND have babies? We’ll see what we can do. Now in the matter of impediments to your career path, I'm sending you some Road Runner cartoons which may give you some ideas as to how to remove the last remaining obstacle”

Country Victoria

This weekend there is jazz at Cowes, heritage on the Mornington Peninsula and an arts festival in Castlemaine. Details at Regional & Country Victoria